Dust Off Your VCR: Five Oldies But Goldies You May Not Have Seen

Let’s be honest; Hollywood doesn’t Hollywood like it used to. Maybe I’m just a cranky old millennial. Weird Science…Beetlejuice…those movies had soul, man. They were original. These days we get the same formula crammed in our faces over and over again, whether it’s making superhero movies for superheroes nobody gives a fuck about (I’m looking at you, Ant-man) or regurgitating unnecessary Jurassic Park and Star Wars sequels .

Where’s the creativity? Where’s the imagination? Why does everything have to be a ruthless cash-grab? And so with that in mind, I take us back to a time where even the shittiest movies had an unmistakable personal charm to them. Here’s five oldies but goldies you may not have seen.

Cherry 2000

Set against a post-apocalyptic back-drop some time in the near future (the year 2017 actually…the writers have a hilariously bad take on what the future’s like), Cherry 2000 is about this dude who’s sex robot malfunctions because somebody put too much detergent in the dishwasher.

That’s not hyperbole by the way.

Since they don’t make Cherry 2000 sex robots anymore, our protagonist hires a tracker (played by a soulless, expressionless Melanie Griffith) to help him scour the wasteland for a replacement fuck-doll. I don’t know who green-lit this piece of shit, but I really wanna find them and shake their hand. This film has everything…bazookas, sex robots, atrocious acting, an insane storyline. If you haven’t seen this, you’re missing out on a gem. I’m pretty sure you can watch this masterpiece on Youtube for free.

Nikita

As many terrible films as Luc Besson conceives, I have a soft spot for him in my heart. He brought us The Fifth Element and Leon the Professional. It’s only natural I think Nikita La Femme is a dope ass fucking movie. It’s full of gratuitous violence and some seriously cringe-worthy nineties cheese. The plot is lazy as fuck and doesn’t really make any sense. The musical sound-track is completely out of place.

It’s great, the kind of stuff legendary movies are made of.

The premise is basically that a feral (yes, feral…she repeatedly bites people in the movie, lol) homeless chick gets charged in the deaths of some policemen and sentenced to life in prison. Instead of serving her sentence, a mysterious government agency trains her to be a secret ninja assassin. And she starts dating some dude who works at a grocery store.

I’m not sure what Besson was going for here, but he got me. The enthusiastic performance of Anne Parillaud really brings it home. Absolutely worth a watch.

Cool World

Cool World is a movie that, up until yesterday, I had no idea even existed. Starring Brad Pitt, Kim Basinger, and Gabriel Byrne (of Hereditary fame most recently), I’ll never quite know how this one managed to evade my cult classic radar as long as it did. Interestingly enough, the director, Ralph Bakshi, also animated the original Lord of the Rings.

Disclaimer: Cool World is certainly no Lord of the Rings.

It’s more like a Who Framed Roger Rabbit directed by a really horny weird guy. The whole movie centers around a cartoonist who somehow gets sucked into his own art-work and goes on a perverted journey to try and fornicate with his own cartoon creations. If that isn’t bizarre enough for you, Brad Pitt is a detective who spends the whole film trying to cock-block said cartoonist. You’ll laugh, you’ll be disturbed, and you’ll wonder how they even got Brad Pitt to be in this, But I’ll be damned if you don’t enjoy every terrible minute of it.

Killing Zoe

Killing Zoe isn’t actually a bad movie. Directed by Roger Avary and starring Eric Stoltz, Killing Zoe is about an American safe-cracker who flies out to do a bank-job with some old buddies in Paris. They turn out to be a bunch of tweakers on heavy drugs though, and what’s supposed to be a well-thought-out, well-executed heist turns into a drug fueled nightmare that climaxes in the movie’s chaotic final minutes.

It’s a solid flick, albeit a starless one, and honestly not very well known. Definitely do yourselves a favor and check it out.

Dark City

And last but certainly not least, Dark City. Dark City was the Matrix before the Matrix…preceding the Wachowski brothers’ (or sisters? I just read they transitioned, that’s so crazy) hit sci-fi thriller by a year, it kinda makes you wonder if the Matrix creators ripped Dark City off…and just had better actors, special effects, cgi, writing, directing, producing, etc. etc.

Not to say Dark City isn’t a thought-provoking, worthwhile piece of cinema. The sets are gloomy and foreboding, and the villainous “strangers” (as they’re called in the film) are certainly eerie. The entire premise is interesting at the least. It’s full of cool-ass gothic shit.

But man, Kiefer Sutherland sucked a fat one in this. The mind-battle at the end between the bald alien dude and the protagonist…I mean, I don’t think the director intended for me to be laughing as much as I did through this movie. They made Dark City in 1998 but it feels like it was made in 1981.

That’s a cinematic achievement if I’ve ever seen one, and not an intentional one either. Truly a five star endeavor by Alex Proyas.

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So in closing, if you’re not impressed with today’s box office blockbusters and you’re looking for a break from the mundane, throw one of these bad boys on the ol’ VCR and feast your eyes on a time before coherent plot-lines. A time where any piece of shit you and your friends dreamed of could plausibly end up as a script in a feature film.

But hey, what these movies may lack in realism, plots, and special effects, at least they make up for with soul. They may be log turds, but they’re original log turds, and that’s more than what can be said of Hollywood’s more recent productions.

Watch them, experience them, enjoy them, and let me know what you think. And if you’ve got any old or obscure movie favorites you’d like to share yourself, let us know on facebook or twitter! I’m always looking for new shit to watch.